The Adventures of an Awkward Catholic on Ash Wednesday.

Two posts in two days is excessive, I agree. But my Ash Wednesday...

Remember yesterday when I said I was going to try to be less awkward with God this Lent? Let me tell you, I am off to an AWFUL start. 

My shame can only be told in bullet points:

• Last night, Trish was telling a story about how the kindergarten class her mother teaches had a "funeral" for the Alleluia in school that day. My first thought?  "Crap. They're changing the mass again and I missed it. How do they expect me to keep up with this?" Yes, that's right. It has been so long since I was any sort of regular church goer that I completely forgot Catholics don't say Alleluia during Lent. And I've said it twice already in this bullet point alone. That must add up to at least a couple of extra centuries in purgatory or something...
• Did you know Catholics fast on Ash Wednesday? I knew we weren't supposed to eat meat, but I figured I had that down because already don't eat meat any day ever. Nope. Fasting. I suppose you can guess how I already screwed this one up...
• I was not able to make any of the Catholic Ash Wednesday services in the area because my lunch (which I ate) hour is at a weird time. So I went to the Presbyterian service conveniently happening in the Presbyterian church I work in. Because nothing says "I'm going to improve my Catholicism during Lent," like kicking off the season at a Presbyterian mass. 
• And yes, I say "mass"and not "service" because there was communion. I know better than to call it "Eucharist" because it's protestant style, but that's about the only thing I knew was different...
• Presbyterian communion is DIFFERENT than Catholic communion. I thought I knew what I was doing, too. I walked up to the bread basket and picked up my own chunk of bread, just like everyone else was doing. Feeling very proud of myself for making it this far, seeing as I never had to pick out my own communion wafer before today, I triumphantly popped my bread cube in my mouth and walked up to the guy holding the wine. I was met with shock and probably a little panic etched on the poor man's face. He pointed back to the bread basket and said, "Did...did you want to get another piece of bread to dip in the cup?" Confused, I chewed my piece of bread and watched as the woman next to me dipped her own bread chunk into the wine cup. Oh. 
• Feeling certain I just royally pissed off Protestant Jesus, I declined the new piece of bread and took the wine. More surprises: It's not wine. It's grape juice. I pretty much failed every aspect of Presbyterian communion. 
• For the first time IN MY LIFE I nailed the part where you tell the priest  pastor that you want the Lord to be "with his spirit." Turns out the Presbyterians are old school, because you know where they want their Lord to be in relation to their pastor? "And ALSO WITH YOU."
• Apparently the "Our Father" has a second verse. 
• We have a Franciscan brother who interns with the Social Service Center on Wednesdays. When I arrived in the office today, he was fully frocked in his brown robe and rope and had already gotten his ashes, presumably at a Catholic service (show off...). Being the hilarious person I am, I pointed to his forehead and said "Oh hey. You got a little something on your face." He just looked at me. And then reminded me it was Ash Wednesday and that the black smudge was, in fact, ashes. 
• You can't even see my ashes. Catholics usually smear that stuff on there. The Presbyterians are apparently more concerned with ash conservation.  
• It's been Lent for less than 24 hours and I already casually tried to eat a Thin Mint. Had to spit that deliciousness out because-- even more surprises-- Thin Mints are covered in chocolate.

I hope someone up there is getting a kick out of my Lent so far because we are off to a rough start. It's going to be a long 40 days...